Monday, February 13, 2012

What They Don't Tell You

When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of stories about labor and cords around necks and sleep deprivation. Perfect strangers would notice my condition and regale me with their tales of ripping and vomiting and pooping while pushing. I wish someone would have taken me by the elbow and whispered, "Forget all that. There's just one thing you need to know about motherhood. SOCKS."

Children are finicky about their socks. This aversion to footwear starts the moment you carry your infant for the first time across the threshold into your home. The tiniest of babies will kick off at least one sock and you will watch it flutter through the air from the edge of the infant carrier to the floor. At first, this will seem like a fluke, a coincidence of timing, a funny little happenstance. But she will continue ripping off her offending socks over and over and over again, until you finally realize that your kid is doing it on purpose. A baby so uncoordinated that she actually flails her arms wildly enough to lacerate her own nose will somehow possess the dexterity to hook the big toe of her right foot around the top of her left sock and pull it off neatly in one smooth motion.

A child's overall disdain for socks will evolve into a specific loathing for certain types of fabric, the elasticity at the top of the sock, and seams across the toe. A sock can't be too long or too short, but every kid is different, so you won't know which type you've got until after you've spent $13 on a package of socks that your child will hate. One child might prefer knee socks, while another will wear only anklets. Some insist on brightly-colored tights even under their pants, while others refuse to wear them EVER. You can go ahead and force your daughter into a pair of tights under her Easter dress, but that doesn't mean she won't peel them off and throw them in the trash can as soon as you drop her off at Sunday School.

Your best bet is to invest in a pair of Robeez moccasins. I found them to be the most difficult shoe for a baby to kick off, resulting in socks staying on longer. Always put socks on INSIDE OUT. This technique cannot be emphasized enough and is the best way to avoid temper tantrums regarding loose threads or toe seams that will irritate your precious angel's skin. If, despite your best efforts, your child refuses to wear socks, go ahead and move to a warmer state where she can run around outdoors in bare feet. 

You're welcome.



Dinner last night: chicken pot pie

Exactly three years ago:






9 comments:

Michele said...

Truer words were ne'er spoken...

Katherine said...

Yes! This is a fundamental truth about parenting! My son, the moment he gets in the car, off come the socks. Then we get to the grocery store and spend 10 minutes looking the a missing sock in the back seat, finally give up, and take the kid in the store with one sock. And suddenly, I'm THAT mom.

Vicki Valenta said...

Oh how I wish I had thought of the tip about putting the socks on inside out 30 years ago when my daughter was two. The seam at the toe of her sock was a HUGE problem for her for many, many, many years. I can not tell you how many mornings were spoiled by that damn seam.

Amy said...

My Great-Grandmother was notorious about babies and socks! Robeez are awesome! Thank you.

Michelle Hoad said...

This is why my children wear flip flops all year long. Toe seams are the bane of our existence.

JDaniel4's Mom said...

JDaniel wore socks on his hands to keep from scratching his face. He never kept the sock on his feet though.

Shanniel Shakespeare said...

lol...wow...I will keep this advice ever in the back of mind till I need it

lilmansworld said...

Jacob HATES socks....he gets it from me :)

Helene said...

One of my kids is very particular about socks....something about the seam and how it feels against his toes. Drives me up a wall.

Yeah, the stuff no one tells you!!