Thursday, September 16, 2010

How to Be Passive-Aggressive: Lesson One

Alright, class. Settle down. Today's lesson is short and sweet, so listen up and we'll be out of here in a jiffy. One of the best ways to exercise your passive-aggressive tendencies is by changing other people's names. If someone prefers the shortened version of his name, call him by the longer version. If someone prefers the longer version, make sure to always call her by a nickname. If a woman presents herself as Christina, address her as Chris. If a man goes by Jon, introduce him to others as Jonathan. See? Easy.

For example, my name is Kim. Not Kimberly. Ask my mother if you don't believe me. Check my birth certificate if you don't believe her. The point is I have never called myself nor been referred by anyone who knows me as Kimberly. So a passive-aggressive person, such as the woman who works for the Department of Education, will take it upon herself to type "Kimberly" into her computer. Despite the fact that I introduced myself as Kim, despite the fact that nowhere upon my paperwork is Kimberly listed, and despite the fact that I was superhumanly polite in response to her rude and impersonal attitude on the phone, the passive-aggressive person will make sure that I will now and forever be addressed as Kimberly by any and all administrators, ensuring that I'll look like a schmuck if I correct the principal who questions me at the mandatory screening interview I go through every few years to keep my teaching file current.

Pop quiz on Monday. Now get out of here and go bug people.



Dinner last night: Hawaiian pizza (Survivor started, and you know I don't cook on Survivor night)

Exactly two years ago:


15 comments:

Lana said...

I have the same thing with my name! It is Lana, like.....sigh....Banana. I always hate to say that because then that fruity name tends to stick. I have heard it every which way you can imagine! My niece and nephews call me "Nana" because Aunt Lana, IF you say it right, starts to sound like you are going to Georgia. I feel for you!

MTVath said...

I am so so sorry I haven't thanked you for your detailed email to me about Alaska and our pending move. Turns out we are (in the middle of) moving to PA, back home to family. THANK YOU THANK YOU For all your time in writing to me about Alaska! I <3 you blog.

Ok now on the name thing. Lana, I can put images in peoples heads, too! My name is Mignon, like fielet. My husband doesn't like when I tell people that, but if I don't they always cop out and call me Megan! NO its Mignon a beautiful French name with lots of history behind the reason for the name. I have greater respect for people's attempts at my name than for people who cop out with Megan or the like!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

See now I thought it was stupidity! The world looks better now that I know they're doing it on purpose!

Meathead said...

My mom can relate to you. Her name is Vickie. Not Victoria. Vickie. When she was in her 20's, she applied for her drivers license. The Lady at the DMV went over her paper work. She called my mom up to the counter and reamed her out, stating that it very clearly says NO NICKNAMES. Mom said that her name was in fact "Vickie". She began to hand her her birth certificate as proof, when the lady told my mom, "EVERYONE knows Vickie is short for VICTORIA!" Of course she shut up when she was proven wrong.

I have a cousin who goes by the name "Kim". Her full first name is "Kimber". Her middle name is "Lee". She didn't bother correcting people. Probably to avoid having to explain that yes, her mother was in fact sober when she was named. :P

Helene said...

OMG, the same thing happens to Tim all the time. His legal name is Tim, not Timothy. So people are always asking him, "Is Tim short for Timothy?" But get this....his brother's name is Mike...short for Michael. Why his parents gave his brother the full name of Michael but didn't give him the full name of Timothy still boggles my mind.

Unlike you and Tim, I have the opposite problem. People always want to shorten my name to Helen. I'm like, "Uh, no...there's an E on the end and the 2nd is a long E...not Helen, it's Heleeeeeeene". They still don't get it.

AngieB said...

That is one of my biggest pet peeves. If anyone calls me "Angela" on the phone I hang up, because it's obviosly a telemarketer. If someone calls me that in person I give them the hairy eyeball and refuse to respond. My father-in-law has been calling me Angela for over twenty years now and can't figure out why I hate him so much - duh?!

Karen Peterson said...

Now, the very least she could have done was ask if it was Kim or Kimberly. I mean, obviously it's Kim since that's the name you gave her, but did she have to go and be all "precise" about it, ironically becoming imprecise in the process?

glitzen said...

Ha! Good one. And pretty darn true.

Michele said...

Norman Vincent Peale devoted an entire chapter to this subject in How To Win Friends and Influence People. To many, if not most of us, our name is our oldest and most intimate possession, and to willfully misuse someone's name is dismissive and disrespectful.

My name only had one "L" back in the days when NOBODY made tricycle license plates that I could use. And then I went and married a man whose last name is unpronounceable. I've given up. I literally will tell people on the phone, "Just spell it any way so you can pronounce it."

To top it all off, I went and accidentally gave EVERY SINGLE ONE of my children a name with alternate spellings. Sara, Sarah. Theresa, Teresa. Bryan, Brian. Claire, Clare. And so on. They can't win.

Michelle Hoad said...

My dad gets it all the time. His name is Larry. Not Lawrence. Larry. I however, was named what apparently everyone in my generation was named, Michelle. Stupid Beatles song.

Deanna said...

I just stopped by your blog from a comment over on Multiples and More. Now, I'm intrigued! I'm looking forward to reading more about your life in Alaska. : )

Annie said...

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Have a wonderful weekend.

Denise said...

hahahaha Gonna giggle over this one for awhile :)

The Shultzs said...

lol........Kim
I might still correct the principal. ;-)
We go through this with our last name...,ugh Constantly adding a "c" frustrating...lol
My son Andrew's name doesn't get shortened, he is Andrew. But I am amazed at the people who try to call him andy....lol he corrects them everytime. :-)

CK said...

LOL! So sorry about that mistake on the paper work but it sure made for a good story ;)